The impetus for the secession drive is a White House website that encourages We the Unwashed to petition the Obama Administration to hear our concerns. (Insert joke here.) Evidently, a lot of people are so upset with the empty suit that occupies the White House that they want him to approve their starting a new country, even if it would require a passport to enter Alabama.
Secession is not the only issue that seems to be on the minds of our fellow citizens across the country. Looking at the White House’s “We the People” website, there are a bunch of petitions asking for everything from allowing us to have back our incandescent light bulbs (643 signatures); to legalizing marijuana (2,560 signatures) to providing financial coverage for sex change surgeries (3,583 signatures).
According to Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Garfield, Ga., and a nationally-recognized political analyst as well as a certified pest-control professional, it seems Americans are more interested in smoking pot and changing sexes than they are in incandescent light bulbs. That is why Junior is such a valuable member of my team. He looks beyond the numbers.
Georgia is not the only state pushing for secession. So are 41 others, including Texas and Vermont. If Vermont goes, I hope they take their goofy politicians with them. There is also a petition circulating from some inhabitants of Malfunction Junction, aka Atlanta, which says the city doesn’t want to be a part of Georgia if it leaves the U.S. I am afraid they don’t have much choice. The last time I looked, nobody else wants them because their sewers don’t work and neither do a number of their citizens
If secession does occur, I plan to be a major player in the process. Given my enormous success in opposing the recent charter school amendment and the fact that the Deal Administration never appoints one of their cronies to some cushy government job without checking with me first, I can be a real asset to the new country.
First off, I would insist the secessionists take the Legislature as well as the lizard-loafered lobbyists that take care of them. I would also toss in the Atlanta Falcons. Let the new country build them an open-air stadium with enough room for free-loading legislators and their lobbyist buddies. However, St. Simons Island stays along with the exquisite little Georgia Sea Grill and my corn-fried shrimp.
You also can forget about the University of Georgia, the oldest state-chartered university in the nation, located in Athens, the Classic City of the South. It remains along with our 19 Rhodes Scholars and our perennial state football championship. The secessionists have my permission to talk to Georgia Tech. I suspect they would welcome the move if they could be assured they wouldn’t have to endure my snarky remarks in their brave new world.
I’m not sure how the secessionists intend to defend themselves if they are invaded by Cleveland or New Mexico. I would strong suggest they talk the old state flaggers into becoming their elite fighting force. The flaggers haven’t had much to do since they got hosed by Gov. George E. Perdue a decade ago. I have missed them and their surly attitudes.
The new folks will have to elect somebody to run their country. Skeeter Skates, owner of Skeeter Skates Stump Removal and Plow Repair in Pooler, told me that he is not interested. Although Skeeter clearly doesn’t trust the federal government to competently manage a two-car funeral, he thinks the secessionists have the mental capacity of a toadstool and he wants no part of them. That means Pooler is not likely to go with the new country. Skeeter has a lot of influence in Pooler.
In the meantime, the petitioners should take a moment and read up on their history. The last time Georgia tried to secede, William Tecumseh Sherman put a match to the place and when the smoke cleared, a bunch of loud-talking, know-it-all Yankees moved in and have never left. That effort was a bummer which raises the question: If at first, you don’t secede, why try, try again?
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.